Love me to death

There I was, alone, crying, leaning over Tushar’s grave, my best buddy’s grave. How could this have happened? Just a day before, he was so happy. He was in love and was ecstatic about it. He was going to ask his beloved to marry him. He was going to meet her when a speeding car hit him and he died instantly. The bouquet of roses he was carrying for her lay by the side of his lifeless body. It was a pitiable sight. Sadly enough, I think his beloved didn’t get the news of his death because I didn’t find any woman whom I hadn’t seen before, at his funeral.Each day after work, I would go to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave. I would sit beside his grave and cry. I had lost all interest in life. I felt like the loneliest person on earth. God had taken away the only person whom I cared for the most in the world. He had never been good to me. If anything bad could happen, it always happened to me. I didn’t have the slightest idea that things could get any worse than this.One day, I got an unexpected call at my apartment.“Am I speaking to Mr. Aditya?” asked a female voice. “Yes, this is Aditya speaking.”“Hi, my name is Alizee. I am…I mean I was Tushar’s girlfriend,” she said in an undertone.“Oh! So you came to know about it?” “Yeah, I was there at the funeral.”“Were you? I didn’t see you,” I said.“I know. I didn’t let myself be seen. Anyway, Tushar spoke very highly of you. I would love to meet you. Would you?”“Yeah sure,” I said. “I wish we had met before. Tushar hardly spoke about you with me although he had told me that the two of you used to meet at Hudson Park quite often.”“That’s right. So when can we meet?” she asked.“Let’s meet at Hudson Park then. Would tomorrow at four be fine with you?”“That would be great. See you then, bye,” saying this she hung up.There was no number on the caller ID.I couldn’t sleep that night. Due to some unknown reason, I felt excited on the thought of meeting her. I felt it strange myself. I kept on thinking about the conversation I’d had with Alizee. Even the next day, I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I left for home early. Sitting there on the sofa, I felt restless. I had never had any urge to meet Tushar's girlfriend before. I didn’t even know her name until Alizee called. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. Somehow I knew that I would enjoy spending time with her. Each minute seemed like hours. Finally it was time for me to go. I set out for Hudson Park. It was quite close to our apartment, even visible from the balcony. A sudden thought struck my mind. What was I doing? My best friend had died just a few days ago and I was going to meet his girlfriend. I was supposed to be sad, but I felt happy. I couldn’t do this. My conscience was pricking me. I could see Hudson Park from where I stood but my legs wouldn’t move further. Instead, I turned back and came back home.The next day she called.“I knew you wouldn’t come. Your conscience was pricking you I suppose?”“How did you know?” I asked.“It was just a guess. Aditya, there’s nothing wrong in us meeting. At least we can meet to share our sorrow on losing Tushar. Would you want to meet now?”“Alright, I’ll be there this time. I promise,” I said.“That’s better. Same place, same time. I’ll be waiting. Bye.”There was no number on the caller ID.I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was supposed to be melancholy but was feeling happy instead. Maybe it was because of Alizee. There was something in her voice that told me I wouldn’t regret meeting her. This was the first time I had been genuinely interested in a girl. It wasn’t that I was homosexual; it was just that I had never come across my kind of girl and somehow I knew that Alizee would be the perfect definition of my kind of girl. I reached Hudson Park at five minutes to four and waited. As I stood there, I heard a voice call me from behind. When I turned, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my entire life. She was literally an angel. I was amazed by her beauty.“Hi, Adi,” she said.I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. She was so beautiful, I was mesmerized. She was a beautiful woman with beautiful features; long blonde hair, an almond shaped face, bright pink lips and big blue eyes. Her eyes were the most attractive. I had to say it, I couldn’t stop myself. When I spoke, I found I was stammering. “You’re the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen.” She started to laugh. The sound of her laughter was like violins playing. “I know. Tushar used to say so too.” Saying this she stopped laughing. A tinge of sadness came over her face. Sadness didn’t suit her at all. I suggested we sit somewhere. We sat down on a bench under a tree. For a while none of us spoke. I had no idea what to talk about. I wanted to talk to her, to know her but I didn’t know where to start. Then she spoke. “Tushar and I used to sit at this very bench.” I didn’t know how to respond to that statement. Should I talk to her about Tushar and make us both feel uncomfortable or should I talk to her about something else and make her feel as if I was trying to take her mind off of Tushar? I thought over and said. “You really loved him a lot, didn’t you?”“Not as much as he loved me,” she said.Silence took most of our time. But whenever we spoke, it was as if I had known her for years. In order to break the awkward silence, I started talking about mundane things that had no significance in any conversation. Gradually, both of us got comfortable and we got a rhythm going. None of us had any idea of the time when we decided to leave. As she was about to leave, I asked her, “Alizee, can I have your number?” “I’ll call you,” she said and smiled. As I watched her go, I felt a sudden attachment to her. I felt fear of losing her, even though she wasn’t mine yet.That night I had never felt so restless before. I kept tossing and turning in my bed for what seemed like hours when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and got up and went to the balcony. The night was cool and everything was quiet. It was around 3 A.M. The streetlights were still on and I could see the moonlight illuminating Hudson Park. The sound of her voice still echoed in my ears. Why was it that I couldn’t stop thinking about her? I had never felt this way before. Could it be love? I had just met her. How could I love her? I shouldn’t be thinking this. She was Tushar's girlfriend. This is not right. In order to calm myself, I decided to take a walk in the park. I went down the stairs quietly not wanting to wake anyone up and headed towards Hudson Park. I went and sat on the same bench Alizee and I were sitting in the evening. But this time I sat where she had been sitting. I felt a rush of warmth running through my body. ‘Why is this happening to me?’ I thought. I wanted to stop this feeling. I wanted to run away from it. I got up and ran...but the feeling seemed to follow me like my shadow.I kept running and finally stopped when my legs gave way. From where I stood now, I could see the entrance to the cemetery; the cemetery where Tushar was buried. I felt guilty. I had forgotten all about him since I met her. I went into the cemetery and stopped at his grave. I bent down on my knees and tears rolled down my eyes. “Why did you go away? Look what you’ve done to me! Why did you leave me, leave her? Don’t you see? I want to love her, but I can’t! I have never felt like this and you know it! Do something! Help me! Help me.” and my words slowly blended away into the silence. My whole face was wet with tears. I hadn’t cried this much ever before, not even at Tushar's funeral. The thought kept sinking into me. I loved her, I really did. I got up to go back home. As I started walking, my foot hit something and I stumbled, falling on the grave next to Tushar’s. The tombstone was engraved with the following – ELIZABETH TAYLOR1979-2002“I Died For Love”“That’s exactly what happens when you love someone. It hurts, it hurts so much,” I said to myself. “I understand how it feels to have died for love. I've never done so, but trust me; I really know how it feels,” I said looking at the grave as if I was speaking to Elizabeth herself. I wiped off the tears from my face and headed back home. I was determined now that I would love Alizee no matter what. I would make her forget that she had ever loved someone named Tushar. I would love her so much that she would forget what sadness was.The next day, I was too depressed to go to work. The whole morning, I stood at the balcony staring towards the cemetery, pondering over what I had promised myself the previous night. Would I be able to love her as much as I expected myself to? Would she understand that I was ready to love her despite all odds? Would she by any chance be able to love me back after all that she has gone through? All these thoughts kept disturbing me. Since morning I was hoping that she would call me up. It was around noon when she finally did.“Listen Alizee, I need to talk to you about something; something very important for me and maybe for you too,” I said.There was silence from her side for a while, and then she said, “I’m coming to your place.”Before I could give her the address, she hung up. Maybe Tushar had given it to her earlier. Around fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang. It was her. She looked beautiful as usual.“What was it that you wanted to talk about?” she inquired.“Just…sit down, Alizee.”She sat down on the couch and I sat down next to her. I didn’t know how to start. After much brain storming, I finally spoke.“Well, I know this might sound stupid, but I think I’m in love with you,” I blurted out. I was feeling very awkward and I could see that even she was feeling a bit like me. There was a look of what seemed like surprise mixed with fear on her face. “I know I’m being unreasonable…” I continued, “…You will say that it’s been just a few days that we have known each other but to tell the truth, even I’m not sure why I’m feeling like this. I have never felt like this before. I know it must be very difficult for you to understand this. You still haven’t been able to get over Tushar's loss. I know he was a great person to be in love with. He would’ve kept you very happy. But you must realize the fact that he's gone and he's never coming back. Let bygones be bygones. And I believe that I can love you as much as he did, if not more. I’m not asking you to agree with whatever I’m saying. I won’t force you. It’s entirely up to you. It’s just that I want to see you happy and I know that I can give you that happiness.”As I stopped speaking, I saw a tear roll down her cheek.“Adi, it’s very difficult me right now. I’ve tired to get over Tushar but my wounds are still fresh. I need time and I don’t know how much. I like you, I like you a lot. But I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love with you. I hope you understand,” she said softly.“It’s alright, Alizee. I understand how you are feeling right now. I’ll give you enough time. Starting right now, I give you…” she looked at me inquiringly. “…your whole life to think about it,” I concluded. A smile appeared on her face. She wiped off her tears and hugged me. Then she proceeded towards the door.“Can I call you now?” I asked, hoping to get her number this time.“I’ll call you.”That night I had a strange dream. I saw Tushar standing by the side of a road. There is a bouquet of roses in his hand. The bouquet bears a name tag. He waves to a woman on the other side of the road, Alizee. She waves back. Tushar starts crossing the road. Suddenly the name tag falls off. Tushar stops and bends down to pick it up. I could see that something was written on it in Tushar's handwriting but I couldn’t make out what it was. Just then I hear the sound of a car horn and as Tushar turned, I woke up. I was sweating from head to toe. Had I just seen the last few moments of Tushar's life? How was this possible? Was this some kind of sign from Tushar that he had heard what I had told him that night? But what puzzled me the most was what was written on the name tag. It must've been addressed to Alizee because the roses were for her. But there was no name tag at the accident scene. There had to be some logical explanation for all this. But then again, it was just a dream.The next day, Alizee called in the evening.“Can we meet in the park?” she asked.“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” I said and ran for the park. When I reached there, she was already waiting for me.“How did you get here so quickly?” I asked her.“I live nearby,” was her quick reply.We sat down on that very same bench we had sat before and chatted for hours. I was waiting for the moment when she would confess that she loved me too but it didn’t come that evening. When it was time to go home, I again asked her for her number even though I knew what her answer would be.“I’ll call you.”Why wasn’t she giving me her number? Why wouldn’t her number flash on the caller ID? I didn’t see her at the funeral, yet she said she was there. How could she reach Hudson Park so quickly? And the name tag? I had so many questions but no answers. There was definitely something that she wasn’t telling me.Days turned to weeks and weeks into months. We met each other often but that fateful moment never came when she would confess her love for me. Meanwhile, my suspicions kept on increasing. What they were pointing to was quite impossible. I sometimes went to the cemetery to put flowers on Tushar's grave and sometimes on Elizabeth Taylor’s grave too. It was she who had taught me to love beyond reason.Six months went by and I was losing hope now. I knew that it was good for me if she never confessed her love for me but somehow I couldn’t agree with myself. I was at war with myself. On one side, I was aware of the consequences if she confessed her love for me and on the other side I was also aware that if she didn’t, I would surely die without her. Either way, I was at loss. So I decided that the time had finally come to confront her. It was now or never. I knew what I had to do. That evening when she called, I told her this – “Alizee, I’ve waited enough and I can’t take it anymore. I know why you never gave me your number. I know why whenever you call, there’s no number on the caller ID and I know why you reach Hudson Park so quickly. I know that you love me, and I know what will happen when you confess your love but I don’t care anymore. I want to know the truth right now. Meet me at Hudson Park in fifteen minutes” and I hung up. I had a last look at the photograph of Tushar and me on the side-table. We had had it taken just a few months before his death. I cried thinking of what was to happen while I headed towards Hudson Park.When I reached the entrance to Hudson Park, I saw Alizee already waiting for me, just as I had expected. Suddenly, a vision flashed through my mind. It was as if I was having that dream again. I realized this was the place I had seen in my dream, the entrance to Hudson Park. Amazingly, I was standing at the exact place where Tushar had been standing in my dream. The only difference was that there were no roses in my hand. I started crossing the road to get to Alizee. And in my vision, Tushar is crossing the road. Then the name tag slips off. He bends down to pick it up. This time I see what’s written clearly-‘To Elizabeth Taylor, the love of my life.I love youTushar’Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle were complete. I was right. I was in love with a dead woman, a spirit. Tushar had come to know the same thing too. Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t speak of her much. Maybe that’s why he had to die. Maybe I was supposed to die too. She was there at the funeral, the grave right beside Tushar. I looked up at Alizee standing on the side of the road. She had tears in her eyes. I wondered why she was crying. It was I who should be crying. Just then I heard the sound of a car horn behind me and as I turned, the last thing I remembered seeing was a car speeding towards me.